Really? Just Really?

I am far from a perfect person, but I think im pretty damn good enough. I love my family, I take good care of all of them, I try to keep a pretty clean house, as much as I can. I cook well, my kids are not snot nosed running around the park. We are humble too. So why did all of this happen to me? If it wasn't bad enough to suffer a miscarriage in 2010, which i feel WAS my fault because all I could say was how unhappy I was about that... But after having it taken care of, I find out I have Endometriosis, which sucks and is very painful, but thankfully I don't have a period too often so I only feel awful a few times a year. Then on top of that, high blood pressure and diabetes, I find out last week I now have diverticulitis, YAY! NOT! And if that wasn't the icing on the cake... Wednesday morning i woke up and I could not SEE out of my right eye. how fantastic. So i call my mom, my aunt, and I don't really think Dan took it that seriously, who knows why, i sure don't, anyways... I call my eye doc at 9 am when they open, only to find out they are closed on Wednesdays! so i call to the closest three Walmart's, and yep, no doctors in.. seriously?? I get a tip about another eye doctor, and who knew every freaking eye doctor took Wednesdays off... But at least the receptionist was very very kind and told me who to call. So I call the eye care associates, and talked to the lady who answered, she said would I be able to come in at whatever time she says, I say ok.... she calls back and tells me to get up there IMMEDIATELY. oh goodie. this should be great news! After four hours of waiting, mind you Im alone with my two boys who are complete ANGELS this day, and Im serious, they were fantastic! they were complimented up and down by several doctors and nurses in passing. I couldn't be more proud, why cant they be like this all the time?? anyways... so after 4 hours i finally see the doctor... not good news. figures. I have severe diabetic retinopathy!! In both eyes! so bad that he has NEVER seen it this bad in someone so young, well that's my luck! This means extra blood vessels in my eyes grow. He wanted me to stay for another test, an angiogram. to see how the blood flows through my eyes. I was unable that day because I had to pick dan up from work, And let me tell you.. driving with one eye crapped out with the other dilated is SO not fun. Oh, and the reason for my blind eye is one of those extra blood vessels burst leaving a lovely hemorrhage. You cannot see it if you look at me, my eyes look normal, I just cant see.  So I was able to go in the next day because Danno was off. So I have this thing done, and she said she will show it to my new doctor there and we will go from there. I already knew I needed surgery,  but when they called me Friday morning saying that his partner saw it and said waiting for the 18th is out of the question and I needed to have it done Monday. Which now is tomorrow. Im scared to death. This will not take care of my blind eye, just to correct some of the retinopathy.. So i will have the other surgery on the 18th... And because of this I had to cancel our trip to see my beautiful cousin get married.. whom I have NOT seen since ..my god was she even 3?? Which really pisses me off... My boys were to be apart of her special day... I wanted and still want so badly to be there for her... Everyone says I need to take care of myself.. well I don't think I know how. I don't. I ALWAYS think of everyone other than myself. I make sure my gramma is taken care of, my kids are taken care of, and my husband is taken care of. I dont even think I am on the list of priorities anymore. I think of my pets more than I think about me. ( Hence why I couldn't do the angiogram on the day he wanted me to because I didn't want Dan to be left at work for too long, and for which I got yelled at ) I know I need to take care of me in order to take care of others, I guess I'm just not as important to myself as others are to me.  I grew up knowing I was worthless, in school I was tortured and taught that. This is something that never has and never will leave me. But unlike then I now have amazing friends. Two of whom asked if they could bring us dinner tomorrow night, it brought me to tears knowing people care that much about me and my family... I have made dinner for others many times, I have donated to charity, it has always brought Dan and I joy to do this for someone, but I never thought anyone would do it for us.. and for this wonderful and amazing family, there are not enough words of thanks and appreciation. I can only pray they read this entry and know how highly I have always thought of them and appreciate them more than they could ever know. With each tick of the clock my heart beats harder and harder... Im getting more and more nervous, I mean what happens if something goes wrong and I am blinded permanently. I don't know what I would do if i couldn't look at my children again or Dan. I would be devastated.. Never to see Morgan smile at me again, or to see his silly faces? Or the love that Dan feels for me in his eyes.. Or to see how much taller Noah is than I am. I don't want to think about it, but to me its a real possibility.  Its real to me. As it is now, I only have one working eye, which wasnt so good to begin with, and doing anything sucks. I have no depth perception and when i try to focus on something it gives me a bad headache... anyways. Im off here, Im doing to dye my hair pink for the ladies at the reception desk. They saw my drivers license and as amazed that my hair looked like a bag of skittles, they seemed to really like it, so I told them I would dye it again just for them. Even though I just met these people only twice, I think they like me, and I like them... Have a nice evening everyone..