Happy Fathers Day?

If it wasn't for my dear husband, today would be just another day to me. Although I suppose the day belongs to my mother as well, as she was the one who raised me. I have often wondered what it would have been like if I had a father in my life growing up. Would I have been so desperate for a male to love me? Would I have gotten pregnant at 15? Would he even allowed me to date? So many questions and scenarios play out in my brain every once in awhile. Not that I had a bad home life. I know she did the best she knew how at the time. Although I wish she would have played with me more. But that is all in the past. Even if our marriage wasn't as strong and amazing as it is, I think Dan and I are both in agreement that we would work our asses off to make sure that we stay together, and IF IF IF IF we ever get divorced we would stay close to each other and make sure that these kids see both parents, as it is more important than anything. Dan having a step father was one of the best things ever. Gary taught him how to be responsible, how to be a man. Now I am not saying anything bad about His biological dad because he taught him things as well. But was mostly a friend to him. My favorite thing that Wayne taught him was how to play the guitar. Oh how i wish he would pick it up again and play for me. I could not ask for a better father for my kids. This time I did good. I did try to have a relationship with my father a few years ago... at first it was nice. He was more of a friend as well. I loved Bonnie, his long time girlfriend, and I still do. I do miss her. But when you lie about me, and steal from my kids, I am better off without him. I remember talking with Bonnie one of the last times we were around them, I told her I felt sorry for her.. I think she deserved more.. something better. And I still do. I wish her nothing but the best. I had written a letter .. actually four letters, they were all identical, explaining why I stopped talking to him. I wanted everyone to have the same copy, so one couldn't say anything against them. One of those things being when he stole their Easter and Birthday money that my grandmother sent to them. And then after the lie was out to her, she tried to turn it on Dan and make it seem like Dan forgot to tell me that him and my father put the presents in the trunk of my car.. and another time, to say I failed college? or that I signed up for another college and never went? Something along those lines.. either way, I really don't know why he would tell my grandmother things that were not true. It hurt me. Especially when your supposed to love me. And then to not want to friend me on Facebook unless I add my father? How many times does someone need to hurt me before enough is enough. It was less about me, and more for my boys. They don't need to have stories made up about them. It hasn't happened yet to my knowledge, but I wasnt going to wait around for it to happen. Our job is to protect them, not exploit. And it was Dan who pushed me to talk to my dad again. If it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have. At least I know in my heart i tried. Even without any sort of father figure in my life, I think I turned out ok, I hope so anyway... I hope every father deserving of the title had a wonderful day today, and to all the mothers and grandmothers and whoever else who has played the role of dad. Happy Fathers day Mom I love you more than you know. I wouldnt have what I have today without you. Thank you for everything you have, and are doing for me.

Really? Just Really?

I am far from a perfect person, but I think im pretty damn good enough. I love my family, I take good care of all of them, I try to keep a pretty clean house, as much as I can. I cook well, my kids are not snot nosed running around the park. We are humble too. So why did all of this happen to me? If it wasn't bad enough to suffer a miscarriage in 2010, which i feel WAS my fault because all I could say was how unhappy I was about that... But after having it taken care of, I find out I have Endometriosis, which sucks and is very painful, but thankfully I don't have a period too often so I only feel awful a few times a year. Then on top of that, high blood pressure and diabetes, I find out last week I now have diverticulitis, YAY! NOT! And if that wasn't the icing on the cake... Wednesday morning i woke up and I could not SEE out of my right eye. how fantastic. So i call my mom, my aunt, and I don't really think Dan took it that seriously, who knows why, i sure don't, anyways... I call my eye doc at 9 am when they open, only to find out they are closed on Wednesdays! so i call to the closest three Walmart's, and yep, no doctors in.. seriously?? I get a tip about another eye doctor, and who knew every freaking eye doctor took Wednesdays off... But at least the receptionist was very very kind and told me who to call. So I call the eye care associates, and talked to the lady who answered, she said would I be able to come in at whatever time she says, I say ok.... she calls back and tells me to get up there IMMEDIATELY. oh goodie. this should be great news! After four hours of waiting, mind you Im alone with my two boys who are complete ANGELS this day, and Im serious, they were fantastic! they were complimented up and down by several doctors and nurses in passing. I couldn't be more proud, why cant they be like this all the time?? anyways... so after 4 hours i finally see the doctor... not good news. figures. I have severe diabetic retinopathy!! In both eyes! so bad that he has NEVER seen it this bad in someone so young, well that's my luck! This means extra blood vessels in my eyes grow. He wanted me to stay for another test, an angiogram. to see how the blood flows through my eyes. I was unable that day because I had to pick dan up from work, And let me tell you.. driving with one eye crapped out with the other dilated is SO not fun. Oh, and the reason for my blind eye is one of those extra blood vessels burst leaving a lovely hemorrhage. You cannot see it if you look at me, my eyes look normal, I just cant see.  So I was able to go in the next day because Danno was off. So I have this thing done, and she said she will show it to my new doctor there and we will go from there. I already knew I needed surgery,  but when they called me Friday morning saying that his partner saw it and said waiting for the 18th is out of the question and I needed to have it done Monday. Which now is tomorrow. Im scared to death. This will not take care of my blind eye, just to correct some of the retinopathy.. So i will have the other surgery on the 18th... And because of this I had to cancel our trip to see my beautiful cousin get married.. whom I have NOT seen since ..my god was she even 3?? Which really pisses me off... My boys were to be apart of her special day... I wanted and still want so badly to be there for her... Everyone says I need to take care of myself.. well I don't think I know how. I don't. I ALWAYS think of everyone other than myself. I make sure my gramma is taken care of, my kids are taken care of, and my husband is taken care of. I dont even think I am on the list of priorities anymore. I think of my pets more than I think about me. ( Hence why I couldn't do the angiogram on the day he wanted me to because I didn't want Dan to be left at work for too long, and for which I got yelled at ) I know I need to take care of me in order to take care of others, I guess I'm just not as important to myself as others are to me.  I grew up knowing I was worthless, in school I was tortured and taught that. This is something that never has and never will leave me. But unlike then I now have amazing friends. Two of whom asked if they could bring us dinner tomorrow night, it brought me to tears knowing people care that much about me and my family... I have made dinner for others many times, I have donated to charity, it has always brought Dan and I joy to do this for someone, but I never thought anyone would do it for us.. and for this wonderful and amazing family, there are not enough words of thanks and appreciation. I can only pray they read this entry and know how highly I have always thought of them and appreciate them more than they could ever know. With each tick of the clock my heart beats harder and harder... Im getting more and more nervous, I mean what happens if something goes wrong and I am blinded permanently. I don't know what I would do if i couldn't look at my children again or Dan. I would be devastated.. Never to see Morgan smile at me again, or to see his silly faces? Or the love that Dan feels for me in his eyes.. Or to see how much taller Noah is than I am. I don't want to think about it, but to me its a real possibility.  Its real to me. As it is now, I only have one working eye, which wasnt so good to begin with, and doing anything sucks. I have no depth perception and when i try to focus on something it gives me a bad headache... anyways. Im off here, Im doing to dye my hair pink for the ladies at the reception desk. They saw my drivers license and as amazed that my hair looked like a bag of skittles, they seemed to really like it, so I told them I would dye it again just for them. Even though I just met these people only twice, I think they like me, and I like them... Have a nice evening everyone..

Random thoughts of crime.

This isn't a new thought but as more and more events happen it makes me think more often. What the hell is wrong with people!? There is no doubt Christ will be coming soon. Whether in my lifetime or in the following lifetimes of my children and or future grandchildren. People eating faces? An insane man stabbing himself and throwing his intestines at the police? Holy crap. How are we as a society supposed to raise mentally stable children when the media is filled with this!? Thank god Dan and I still have the ability to put the fear of god inside our kids. In a reasonable way that is. Noah has his preteen attitude but we can "smack" it out of him. And not in the literal sense people. So many people either don't care or just don't know what to do and they give up. We cant do that. We just can't. Call the cops if you need to. I refuse to let my kids run the street or act like some I their peers. Bad influences are rampant. We as parents need to be on these kids like nothing they have ever seen. And each time we catch then doing something wrong we always have to be one more step ahead f them the next time.

Random Beginnings

I may have not started my family in the most ideal way, but that's the way it happened. I was a freshly new 16 year old when Noah Xavier was born, Xavier not pronounced the normal way of course, but the french way, i think. Sounded like Zah Ve Eh. Something to that effect, after explaining it so many times, i just pronounced it the English way. Fast forward 11 years..holy hell, 11 years... He is sitting in the chair next to me holding our big fat cat who is contently purring away in his lap. Noah's brother, 6 year old Morgan is sitting on the couch screaming at his Mario game. I am pretty content here. In my home, with my wonderful husband of nearly three years, Noah's step father, and Morgans father. I say pretty content because our money situation could be better, but with one car, two kids, and a bum leg, there isn't much i can do anymore. But in every other aspect, I have a life worthy of envy, at least if i was on the outside looking in I would be as green could be.  Nearly 8 years ago I met Dan. It was a complete accident that we got together. I was still married, but separated from Noah's father, Sperm donor, whatever. I was in a chat room, just looking to talk to another human being, as I didn't leave the house much. And here comes a random instant message with the regular a/s/l. We chat for awhile, and that was that. A few days later, I saw his name lit up on my messenger list. I sent him a message, I forgot his name, we laughed. He thought I lived in another city which was way closer to him than i really was, although in the same state as him. And somehow a bond was formed that day, we spoke on the phone, he made me laugh more than I had in a long time. Fast forward a little more, he came to meet me, he was just gorgeous. I don't think i spoke much because I was just blown away, he had, and still does have the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. beautiful brown hair, and a smile that would knock your socks off. As I relay these events i look up and smile with tears in my eyes because of how amazed I am. How did i get so lucky? I look over to the boys, Noah is eating in the kitchen, and Morgan has gotten disgusted with his DS and has moved on to waiting for me to make him a balloon animal which i will shortly. Morgan is the spitting image of Dan, as my mother in law says, i just incubated him, I must agree. when he is lying on me and i look down his face, i see that same triangle thing that Dan's cheeks do. I love it. He has his beautiful blue eyes, skinny as a rail and blonde hair. I surely wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, the only thing i see in Morgan that is me, is his feet, and the way he never stops talking. Every day of my life, before my feet hit the floor in the morning I think, wow.. I must be the luckiest woman on the face of this planet. It is rare that i have to get up in the morning to get the kids on the bus, Dan likes to get up early, have a cup of coffee, and watch his favorite shows before anyone gets up. I don't think one day goes by where he doesn't put me first. When we first met, I wouldn't have said that. Everyone comes with baggage, his was, he wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted since his previous girl was on him like white on rice 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I cant blame him. and for the most part, I really didn't care much. Even when i was pregnant with Morgan, he still kinda did his own thing, it slowly dwindled down in the following couple years, and i would say, by the time Morgan was 2 He grew up. He realized it wasn't all about him anymore. Now I sure am not saying he isn't allowed, quite far from it. I encourage him to do things, and up until recently, he did nothing. He is truly a family man. Hardworking, loving, and everything else you could imagine. Now Morgan has dropped the need for a balloon and picked up Mario again, and Noah has went upstairs to get away from his brother. These three men are my world, my everything. I would do anything for them. Have I told you how lucky I am?